"I get really upset seeing my friends who are mums crying because they feel like they're not good enough. Clever, confident, kind young women all going, 'I'm ruining my child's life."
There are a lot of scary things that can happen to a woman in the delivery of a baby that they don't tell you about.... Luke came out of me like a tornado.... and his aftermath was horrible!!! 6 months of pure agony, pain, suffering, not being able to sit down, incontinence, and doctors that don't seem to care. Lots of freaky stuff happened as well... apparently breast feeding was a no no for me and I had to stop after 3 months or I would have permanent damage and my body would never heal. I don't know if it is was because I had EM or not, but my wound would not heal and breast feeding didn't help!!! So here I was, in extreme pain, wearing "diapers", not being able to sit down, and to boot... HAD AN EXTREMELY COLLICKY BABY. Luke cried practically 24/7..... I felt like the worst mom in the world. I tried EVERYTHING THEY SAID TO DO FOR COLLICKY BABIES...BUT HE JUST SCREAMED AND SCREAMED. Maybe he picked up on me being in pain.???? but I was screaming on the inside. I felt so alone!!!! WHy couldn't I just have a normal delivery?? Why am I still having problems????? Doctors wouldn't help me... THEY REFERRED ME TO A PSYCHOLOGIST AGAIN.... WHICH I HATE!!! Just like when I first got diagnosed with EM.... IM IN PAIN PEOPLE...WHY DO I NEED A SHRINK???
I needed help with Luke but had no one to help me... had a fear of taking him to a support group because all the other babies would sleep and be fine...but Luke would scream. I was trapped! the weather was horrible, and we both were trapped....AND COLLICKY. I cried all the time as well... felt horrible that I couldn't do everything a mother was supposed to do, horrible that I couldn't help Luke.... couldn't get any sleep... was I a horrible mother????
I read the "happiest baby on the block " book about collicky babies and it helped explain a lot!!! Poor little Luke too smart and too sensitive for his own good and so they cry. Once we got the jumperoo and he could jump for hours and burn off some energy...he was fine! Now he laughs and plays and rolls and giggles.... Turns out he was just like mommy and needs to exercise!!! He is going to be a super athlete!!!!!
Post partum depression.... yes I had it! but whether it was only because I was in extreme pain with no apparent help or hope for the future??? I never had any thoughts of hurting luke or any thoughts about not trying to help him.... but I did want to die. Went through all the stages of grief and misery like before. Just wanted out! and I had no one to talk to ...no one going through anything similar to what I was going through.... ONCE AGAIN... FREAK OF NATURE.
Finally found a PT therapist who does miracles for women with babies...and she explained what happened and why i was in so much pain... Luke tore through all my organs and girly parts and nerves down there and takes FOREVER TO HEAL. IF you think about how many nerve endings are there.... NO WONDER. Anyhoo, finally found a doctor ready to help. She is a UROGYN and does surgeries. So 6 months after LUKE I FINALLY HAD SURGERY TO REPAIR damage and it worked!!! FINALLY I have hope again... got cleared to run, swim, bike... resume normal life!!! IT seemed like forever ago since I could do the things I wanted to do. No longer trapped inside with a screaming infant. Started taking Luke for long walks....then small runs... and he finally stopped being as collicky as wel!!
so if you happen to have a nightmare delivery like mine and a tornado aftermath... don't stop searching until you get help! There are lots of doctors to ignore you, and not treat you, but hopefully there will be 1 that will!!! I know I will get crap for posting this... but felt like people should know that labor is not always a wonderful thing and there are possible life long side effects... I guess the "mind erasing" drug that makes mothers want to have more kids never worked on me. I will never forget this!! But, having my surgery requires me to have a C section if i ever get pregnant again... so who knows?
but if you have a collicky baby... read that book!!! at least it makes you feel like you are not alone and YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE MOTHER. You just have an interesting baby that is passionate and trust me...they will turn out to be a super happy baby ....and NEVER BORING. Luke never just stared at his hands... never sat there and stared into space...he was too busy punching, kicking, and trying to do things. Kind of like me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So time to spit out my pacifier and get back into life!
2011-2012 Races
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Collicky baby....collicky mommy
Monday, December 6, 2010
Welcome to the world my miracle baby
Monday, November 22, 2010
Are we there yet??????
I hate hearing: "Your little guy looks fully cooked." Is he a Thanksgiving Turkey??????!!!!
Speaking of Thanksgiving.... my belly button has turned from an innie to an outie, and Dan and I think that means the baby is done. :P The button is similar to the pop up turkey timer and when pops out.... HE IS DONE. PLEASE???? It is also funny how the pregnancy sites describe how big your baby is week to week by using food references. ? Starts out small like your baby is a bean, and then a lemon, a grapefruit, and then gets bigger to an eggplant, melon, etc. The worst bit is now when they now say my baby is the size of a small roasted piece of meat. ? HE IS NOT FOOD ????? Very disturbing! Who comes up with this crap??? and why use food we eat? I did find a "man " site that uses manly non food items to describe the baby which seems more preferable to me. Will never look at a Thanksgiving Turkey the same from now on.
All I have to say, is that I am just miserable... MISERABLE. Whoever those pregnant ladies are that say pregnancy is amazing and they love it, ARE EITHER CRAZY, ON DRUGS, or have completely forgotten just how horrible the last month is... I have heartburn that I swear is going to burn through my chest and throat every night. And the worst bit is, you can't really take anything strong enough to help!! TUMS DON'T WORK WORTH A CRAP. I thought that right now I would be able to eat whatever I want, but I can't... it burns, burns, burns... and the burps are insane! Lets just say that I am paying Dan back for all his manly noises he makes... haha! BETTER OUT THAN IN. :) I have been getting migraines as well, back pain, stomach pain, rib pain... swelling up like a huge red tomato, and I can't find a comfy way to sleep!!!! ARG !!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
*&^)*&%^%#$@$#@%$*&^)%*&^_(*)*()(*)*&&%^%#%#!!!!!!!!!!!!!
every night I wake up crying/screaming/begging for mercy. Is it December yet? Please baby, GET OUT! I LOVE YOU, BUT TIME TO GET OUT!! I've tried bribing him, soft talking him, forcefully telling him to get out... and i finally have settled on reverse psychology. Figured if he is like me, telling him he can't do something might work? The problem is, all that stop labor drama and drugs... might have actually stopped him!!!!????? the doc says I will probably be late now and need to be induced. He is lucky he didn't get a broken nose for that joke. What if he won't come out now???? what if he missed his window and now will have to be out by c section. CRY CRY CRY!!!!
so no matter what people say... PREGNANCY IN 3RD TRIMESTER is not fun... period. All you do is wait and wait and wait, and groan, and be miserable, waiting for the day baby makes an appearance. I will need some serious brainwashing drugs/hormones to want to have baby number 2... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feel like the puppet from the off broadway show Avenue Q: Kate monster!!!!! SINGING "SUCKS TO BE ME.... SUCKA SUCKA SUCKA SUCKA SUCKA SUCKA... SUCKS TO BE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sunday, November 7, 2010
MY UTERUS IS WHERE???????????????????
~ The breasts go first, and then the waist and then the butt. Nobody ever tells you that you get a butt when you get pregnant. Then the arms and the face!!! Why does the baby need a fat butt/legs/arms and face??? ~
Last year at this time I had just completed Ironman Florida!!! A baby was never even considered, thought about, or even dreamed about. I had already signed up for certain races, planned on racing others. I went from one extreme to the other! From uber athlete to uber pregnant. :) When I found out I was pregnant, I was determined to keep exercising and would have kept competing if they let me. :) Being pregnant is highly restrictive and some activities were limited from the get go. The first activities to go were mountain biking, rock climbing, scrambling, roller coaster riding :P, sky diving, scuba diving and anything where I could fall down and hurt the baby. :( I am a person who loves the adventure and trying new things, and I definetely don't like being told what I can't do. haha! We went to Jamaica around 12 weeks, and didn't get to scuba dive, swim with dolphins, etc etc. It was the first place where I found out they don't let pregnant women do anything!!! Lots of people have their opinions on what you can or cannot do, and they are not even your doctor! They are not shy either and will tell you things like, " you are killing the baby" if you do that. DRIVES ME NUTS! They also have opinions on how much you should weight, and what you should look like... I would never go up to someone and say, " you are way too big/fat... stop eating so much" or " you look like shit!" Its crazy to me.
Sometimes, I feel like my doctor is perfect for me because he has never told me I absolutely can't do anything. :) For example, when I first found out I was preggo, I asked him if I could still run like I used to... he said yes, and i said trail running for 6 hours several times a week? and he said yes, just nothing technical where I could fall down easy. I remember thinking that was strange that my doc said I could still run 100 miles a week. The next appt I saw him, he asked me if I was able to still run as much as I want, and I laughed and said, NO... way too tired/sick to run that much. He smiled and said that he figured I wouldn't be able to, but better to let me decide than tell me I couldn't. OH SO TRUE! And I was happy to read about Kara Goucher, Paula Radcliff, and Deana Kastor, all top marathon runners, talk about running while pregnant, and how tired they were, etc etc! So, I will write about my experiences, and tips for running while pregnant!
Running:
Just until recently, I was a member of the third trimester running club!! :) Everyone said I wouldn't be able to run in the 3rd trimester, but I love to prove them wrong... But there are some items that I needed to be able to accomplish this. First, a pair of shoes, without shoe laces that you can just slip on!!! Trust me, you don't want to be running and have to stop and try to tie your shoes with a huge belly! Luckily, being a triathlete, I have a pair of Zoot shoes, so when I had to buy a bigger pair while preggo since your feet swell up, I bought these shoes! These shoes are awesome!! super light, and not thick so EM doesn't freak out.. I can't run in sandals while pregnant, because my ankles are so unstable, and stressed because of the extra weight, but these shoes are perfect. My feet are have been the worst bit of running and some days the pain in the bottom of my feet make it too painful to run. Maybe its the extra 30 lbs ???
Another item I needed was a "belly band" and/or maternity support belt. These things are a must to keep the bouncing to a minimum and minimize back pain. I started out with the normal belly band from Pea in the pod, and then the Amon exercising band as I got bigger...
These things really helped!!!! then some days when I needed even more support I used this maternity belt, which is supposed to be the most popular belt for runners!
another necessity is to figure out where to pee if needed!! All the bouncing and moving around along with the pregnancy pressure on your bladder...makes you want to pee your pants!! still wanting to find anti chaffe diapers to wear while running.. :) haha...
You also need maternity support bra for running, and maternity athletic clothes. I love the Born Fit maternity skort ! and Destination Maternity has a Reebok for maternity section that is awesome!@@ I know some people say just to buy big sizes of normal clothes, but they make you look like a cow! The maternity clothes fit your preggo body which is less chaffing, more comfy while exercising, and make you look great and PREGNANT and not fat. I guess it is up to you regarding clothes.
But running in your 3rd trimester can lead to very strange looks from people... guys usually think its cool, probably cause they admire a girl trying to keep weight and/or get back to normal weight after pregnancy, but some girls are just mean. I'm not hurting the baby in any way, and I actually think he loves it. My doctor gave me to ok to keep running all the way up to due date (until prelabor scare see below) and so as long as it felt ok, I decided I was going to keep doing it. Don't get me wrong, you do run a lot slower, and you take walking breaks a lot... sometimes its like the Ironman shuffle where you run for 5 min and walk for 1... and don't get me started at trying to run up a hill while preggo, doesn't happen for me!! just have to make sure you don't get too out of breath, dizzy or over heated.
and if at all possible, and you have a pool , after running... jump in one!!! I was in Tampa and I was running in the heat and got overheated, so i just jumped in fully clothed!! HEAVEN.
2 weeks ago, baby Z decided he wanted to try to come out early and I needed stop labor drugs. I was on complete bed rest for 1 week, and now I'm on light activity such as walking/swimming and maybe next week at week 35, after all tests on baby weight etc are fine.. doc said i could try running again... don't know if i will be able to ? or if i will be too big, but water running/swimming is still great! anything but bed rest!!!!!!!! so if you see a whale running... its probably ME! :)
Monday, October 18, 2010
30 weeks 3D!!
What a fantastic weekend! I got to see baby Z in 3D and had my baby shower in Rhode Island! We had our normal OB Doctor 30 week appointment on Thursday prior and found out the baby is weighing 3.5 lbs. :) He is getting bigger, and stronger, and he loves to kick/punch the crap out of mommy. He is a Baby Ninja, and like the ninja assassin movie, he has his "weapon" which is his umbillical cord with a knife on the edge that he loves to swing around. :P They say to have 10 kicks per hour and Ninja does about 10 kicks in 30 seconds !!! I don't know what he is doing in there, especially at 2 am, but it is an insane amount of kicks, punches, head butts, whatever he can use!! Maybe he is doing an Ironman??? or maybe he is UFC attacking me from the inside....
We drove up to R.I. Saturday morning and went to our 3D / 4D scan and baby is so cute!! He started out in his normal protective fight stance with his hands/arms in front of his face, but eventually lowered them occasionally...probably to punch me. :) I was telling the tech about how he loves to be cheeky monkey and he gave us this adorable smirk!! He knows he is a cheeky monkey!!! :)
I love it when baby opens his eyes!! felt like he was looking at me and saying hi mommy! I wish I could see him everyday! I won't get to see him until he is born now... and that is scary in itself! :P Daddy Dan and I kept arguing about who the baby looks like, but it is really
hard to tell right now... but of course if he is cute, he looks like me... giggle! :) He is def. active like his mommy!!! I bet he comes out running/swimming/swinging .
I can't believe he is almost here! A couple times in the night I wake up Dan yelling at him that I want to be induced!!!!! Whoever said pregnancy is great... was either lying or insane. It is so uncomfortable now!!!!! I hope baby comes out earlier than later. I told the OB doctor that I wanted a TRANSPLANT..... transplant baby to Dan for the last few weeks.. wouldn't that be cool?? haha. Joking aside, I wonder what baby is going to be like?
~Love is all fun and games until someone loses n eye or gets pregnant ~
Monday, October 4, 2010
BABY MOON
- Must have a pillow, wedge, boppy, something to shove behind your back because the airplane seats are horrible for pregos! Unless of course you are flying first class/business class and have reclining seats. But for the rest of us in the back, get that pillow! I used a boppy wedge and it helped a lot...it is still uncomfy, but you are in the 3rd tri, when is it comfy????
- Be aware your feet are going to swell up like tomatoes and your calves are going to ache. Not to mention if you have sciatica like I do, sitting in those seats for 3 hours is torture. So get up occasionally and go pee, you know you are going to have to go anyway! The trick is fitting your whalish self into the bathroom. And of course walking down the aisle when someone insists on trying to squeeze by you at the same time!! They just don't get that we can't "suck" it in!! If you are lucky they will let you cut in line to pee though, which is a bonus. I also got double scooby snacks as well!: chips and cookies :) There are a few perks to being preggo, so might as well enjoy it!
- you have to have a lounge chair for the beach/pool. There is no laying flat on concrete or sand, and def. no laying on your belly. If you do manage, my hats off to you. Dan did offer to hollow out the sand for the baby belly to see if it would work, but luckily we had access to lounge chair on beach. It still gives you a funny tan lines when you cant lay on tummy, but you make do and lay on side. The sun feels wonderful and the ocean/pool feels AMAZING! I could live in water right now if I had a raft and a floating fridge.
- Bring lots of sunscreen... you have more coverage needed now with extra belly skin.. haha. Oh and if you need help, get Dan or significant other to help rub lotion on legs and feet since it is harder to reach, and your legs/feet ache anyway so a rub is always nice. :)
- Don't forget your camera!! You can get some cool shots of the belly if you can get used to everyone staring at you. Some probably think that I shouldn't be in a bikini, but flaunt that belly! The only problem is, you have to see all the skinny chics in their bikinis showing off their skinny legs, bum, and tiny waist. It can give you a complex! Just make sure your partner knows that crazy psycho pregasaurus lady will come out if he stares at them in any way and he won't want that! He should know by 3rd tri , that pregnant ladies can be crazy!!
- Just try to enjoy yourself!!! Yes it may not be as much "fun" as if you are not pregnant. You can't scuba dive, jetski, ride roller coasters, drink alcohol, etc etc. But you can still have fun! You can always get a pregnancy massage and most hotels with spas have this option. Enjoy the sun, water, food, ICE CREAM... don't forget the ice cream.
- and spend that last quality alone time with your partner before baby comes! and take care of yourself. Take walks with him on the beach, take a drive to another beach and see the sunset, do whatever you want to do. Yes, it may be uncomfy, but you can't beat the views!
"People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's in water. But certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool. "
Friday, June 25, 2010
IT'S A BIRD...IT'S A PLANE.. ITS A BABY ??????????
As I look back at my life, I sometimes wonder where and who I would be if I didn't have EM. I've been through a lot of pain and struggle and sometimes feel it is a miracle that I am even still here let alone do the things that I do. I remember 6 years ago getting the diagnosis, thinking my life is over... I never thought I would be where I am now. I have done a lot of things that have been really hard for me to do... running, Ironman, etc... now I have my biggest challenge yet, PREGNANCY.
I have had 2 unplanned pregnancies and miscarriages 5 and 8 years ago, and I just chaulked it up to the poor baby didn't stand a chance with EM. Maybe my body wasn't able to have kids? The doctor said I would probably need help getting pregnant in the future... But, maybe I shouldn't bring a child into this world with the risk of EM? All these thoughts have been running through my mind for years... and now it is real. I pray that my baby doesn't end up with EM. It is a scary thought for a mother to bring a child into so much pain. You want the best for your baby, and EM is not it. I pray that if the baby does end with EM, at least the baby will have me to teach 'em how to live with it. As painful as EM is, at least it is not a death sentence. Maybe, the baby will find a cure for EM some day. :) I guess we will have to wait and see. Either way, my baby is a miracle. Even through birth control pills, EM drugs, running like a crazy woman for 2 months training for my 50 miler not knowing I'm preggers, and falling off a cliff during my race. My baby was meant to be! and sounds like he/she takes after mommy.... DETERMINED TO BE ALIVE AND VERY STUBBORN. :) YAY BABY!
Right when I found out I was pregnant, I had to get off of Amitriptyline which can cause birth defects in rats and possibly humans. It is funny to think back on my doctor's "weaning " off it schedule, but it wasn't funny at the time!! Apparently, you can't go cold turkey and quit it because it can cause seizures, death, and possibly problems with the baby... so he says " Day 1, 50%, Day 2: 25%, Day 3: 25%, Day 4: Zero!!! It made me so sick!! my feet were horrible, I couldn't sleep... IT WAS A NIGHTMARE! But I had to keep reminding myself that it was best for the baby. During the 2nd and 3rd month, I had horrible "morning sickness". Don't know why they call it morning, when it was 24/7.. it was worse at night, and I just lay in bed trying not to puke. I couldn't run either, partially because of my torn tendon, but mainly because if I thought about running, I would puke! If I read my ultra running magazines, I would puke! Anything green would make me puke as well, especially asparagus.. blech. I could smell if someone had eaten it and it made me puke. The worst bit was car/subway/motion sickness.. I threw up on the subway on the way to the OB doc and it was so embarrasing!! At least when I hit the 2nd trimester, it went away!!!
I was super nervous going to the first trimester screening scan at the hospital where they try and determine spina bifida, and down syndrome. My baby wouldn't cooperate at all and it took 2 days for him to finally be in the right position. And baby was fine!! YAY BABY!
Cravings: CHEESE, CHEESE, WHOLE BLOCKS OF CHEESE
2nd Trimester
Yay No sickness, and I was able to run again! Ankles were swollen and painful, feet swelled, stomach starting to stretch, hard time sleeping, and EXTREMELY HOT. My cats normally shed in the summer, this year, they are furrier than the winter!! Dan says because it is so bloody freezing in here... but i don't care! A prego girl with EM is going to be HOT. I just tell him " I dont care if you turn into Frosty the Snowman." :)
ITS A BOY!
Week 17 we go to a Ultrasound place in R.I. with my parents, Nana, Dan and my aunt! It was still too early for 3D, but we wanted to know the sex of the baby. I knew he was a boy, but I think my family wanted a girl because they don't have any girl grandkids. But, Dan says that his family only has boys too, so it was pretty certain to be a boy. Of course he wouldn't show us his bits... until I gave him chocolate. SO the joke is : Baby will flash for chocolate. :)
Week 20 we went back to the hospital for the Anatomy scan where they look at all parts of the baby...and everything looks normal! YAY BABY! I love looking at him ...he is so cute!!
week 23 we went back and had a 3D and 4D pictures and video done... he is starting to look like a baby now and less alien like. 
week 26 went in for blood glucose 2 hour test, and that orange drink is horrible@! the 2 hour wait wasn't fun either, and my glucose turned out normal. YAY can still eat chocolate.
I know it has been a while since blogging, but I will try to keep up with during these last few months with my details and hopes and fears.
Cravings: WATERMELON, LOTS OF IT ...EVEN with cheese. :) and Peanut Butter
"Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be."
Saturday, May 8, 2010
"If you have never failed... you have never lived"
Today, I attempted to race the North Face Endurance Challenge Bear Mountain 50 miler. I was doing good until I fell off a cliff. Yes a rock cliff, at least 20-25 feet. They say when falling you see your life flash before your eyes... I saw no such thing. Maybe because I didn't fall very far? haha.. Although, I remember thinking: this is it. I landed on my left foot on a rock and then fell into a bush. I lay there for what seemed like an eternity. Was I dead? Was I paralyzed? I just lay there not moving, not able to call out for help.. I remember thinking this is nice. Floating there, not feeling anything. I might have passed out, I have no idea? I think I must have hit my head.. see later. Then all of a sudden I heard this voice, my voice? who knows? The voice said very loudly: GET UP! GET UP NOW! so i managed to pull myself to my feet. I had a few cuts on my left leg, but the rain managed to wash the blood off. My foot though... my injured foot.. the poor foot that I tore the tendon in February that threatened this race in the first place, OW. I was doing so well too! So how did this happen?
I started off the run in the dark at 5:15 am. I have no night vision whatsoever. The optoneurologist from Mayo said that because of Erythromelalgia, my blood vessels that don't dilate/constrict properly/adjust to change makes in really hard for me to see at night with bright lights shining in my eyes.. My eyes just can't adjust. I'm running along with my head lamp, praying that i don't fall. I'm holding a decent pace for me. My coach told me to start off slow and then go slower... Sometimes, its embarrasing. I AM SLOW. I don't think someone with EM is supposed to run. Hell, they said I couldn't walk... but no means yes to me. I am determined to run, whatever it takes. But, I need to be more accepting with myself. I may be slow, but I try as hard as I can and that is all that matters. So, I'm running along at 11-12 min mile pace... pretty good for trail at Bear mtn. I hit the first aid station at mile 4 ish at around 48 minutes. Good . I was a right on pace. They give you 14 hours to finish, and I know I slow down a lot, so I wanted to run the first half in 6 hours to give me plenty of time to slow down, or hit the really hard technical bits. At mile 5 ish, I fell on my left leg. Great! had a small cut on my left knee that was bleeding, but I felt a twinge in my injured foot. Who knows if this had a helping hand for the big fall/injury? Then I fall again, and again. Humpf. I ended up falling 4 times before mile 16. Guess it just wasn't my day???? I'm still holding good pace. Run run run. Then it starts to rain....
Somewhere around mile 17-18, It started raining cats and dogs... monsooning on me right when I was climbing these huge rocks/cliffs/whatever you call them. Most of the time, I LOVE running on these huge rocks because they have such great grip... much better than stupid leaves. EXCEPT FOR WHEN ITS POURING! in combination with some huge wind gusts, down I go. I felt like humpty dumpty. I never recovered from this fall. Unfortunetly, there was no one around, no one to see me fall, and no way for them to help. Thank goodness, I could walk. So I stumble along, crying, trying to make it to mile 20.7 aid station. I kept going and going and going... mile 21, where is the aid station? Mile 22... wtf? BLEEP BLEEP (*_&(*^*)&$&%#^@@@@@@@!!!!im looking at my watch and all of sudden i'm approaching the cut off time ? how long was I out/laying there? I was on track to hit mile 20.7 at 5 hours.. and now it is 540? FINALLY, AND I MEAN BLOODY H-LL.. i see the parking lot, I see Dan, my coach Dennis, and Susie. I'm crying and hobbling, wondering.. can I go on?
"You hear about how runnin' ultras is all mental; well, I sure wish
it'd hurry up and get mental, 'cause it's feelin' awfully physical
right now."
I talked to Dan/Dennis/awesome NF aussie dude, and decided (dumbly I might add ) but with a possible brain injury/ shock.. and I'M STUBBORN. Hindsight, I would have stopped... but I thought maybe i could run it out. :P Did I say I'm stubborn?? The problem is, the next aid station is 7 miles away@!@@!!! I was doing semi-good holding 11-12 min mile pace on the fire road. My foot was tender, and then about 3 miles into it, really sharp shooting pain starting at my foot and all the way up my tendon, leg. To make things worse, I started throwing up. Didn't even slow me down. All I could think about, was making the next cut off time and never giving up. I threw up 6 times, and then started hallucination rats of all things. What happened to the big fluffly Ironman bunny?? I much prefer the bunny who cusses versus RATS WHO ARE MEAN. I had lots of conversation with these mean things. They told me I sucked, wouldn't finish, wouldn't ever finish a 50 miler because I suck. I told them to shut up and stop being so mean or I'll feed them to my big kitty cats, and they said that my cats couldn't eat them because they suck like their momma. Didn't occur to me until later, hours later, that maybe I did hit my head... vomiting, hallucinating, head hurting. duh... at some point I miss a turn probably cause I was busy talking to rats, and these 2 dudes in front of me who also missed it. Ended going 1 mile or so out of the way. Guess I needed a bigger challenge ???? Cause when I saw the sign I missed, I must have been out of my mind. :P
anyhoo... I'm hobbling along, now with rats and annoying REAL bugs who decide to try and eat my face off. Hoping I can even get to the aid station. One guy tells me we have to climb this huge ridge called Breakneck Ridge... ( fabulous ) and then even worse.. climb down!! I have no stability in my ankle and it hurts like bloody hell .. HOW AM I GOING TO GET DOWN?????????????????? Then what seems like forever, I see someone walking towards me, and guess who it is??????????????????? DAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please make him be real! PLEASE! and he was! unless I came home with a doppleganger... haha YAY! He had to help me down this frickin steep thing because otherwise i would have superman'd it down... and it didn't look nice to slide down on my bum either. YAY! The aid station!!!!!!!!!!! yay! I managed to make it to mile 30 before giving in. Could I have continued on? maybe, but doing permanent damage and possibly preventing me from running for 1 year + if I completely tear the tendon. And at that rate, I would need a miracle to make it to the second hard cut off at mile 34. I COULD BARELY WALK let alone run. SIGH. I tried really hard to "stand up to reality and DENY IT". I begged, pleaded, YOU DON'T EXIST, YOU DON'T EXIST. But unfortunetly, my reality/injury did exist unlike the rats.
I hate DNFing, I HATE IT. I feel like a quitter. I feel I didn't try hard enough, that I wasn't strong enough. I don't like to admit that I am not a "normal girl", that I have EM that makes it hard enough to even run let alone fall off a cliff and still keep going. I HATE EXCUSES. But, I am smart enough to know and to listen to my body. Run through pain not injury. So I live to hopefully run again someday. Hopefully, sooner than later. I will do a 50 miler again. I WILL NOT SURRENDER. It took me twice to finish an Ironman. I never do anything the easy way, I always have to push through multiple obstacles, but I think that is what makes the "victory" sweeter. SO, when I am able to finish that 50 miler, its going to feel so good! and hopefully, what I learned today, will help me improve.
AND MAYBE NEXT TIME I FALL OFF A CLIFF, I will make sure to land on those bloody rats!
"Far away, there in the sunshine, are my highest aspirations. I may
not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in
them, and try to follow where they may lead."
Friday, March 12, 2010
Where are your feet??
"Endurance training is exactly like turning a Styrofoam cup inside out. So long as you take it slowly you'll be able to do it. Try to rush things and "rip"....you'll tear the cup. You are the cup."
On my last snowy run, I injured myself. The doctor doesn't know if it was 1 ankle twist, or the cumulation of snowy trail run in shoes and yak trax, but I partially torn the Perroneal Tendon in my left foot. I tried running the Wednesday after my birthday, but the pain was too much.
I went to the first podiatrist who gave me xrays and some unwanted advice. She said that I horribly abuse my feet. She lectured me of the dangers of wearing flip flops and how it causes bunions and have no support. She yelled at me for not slathering my feet in lotion and wearing socks overnight to keep them soft. She stared at the horrible blisters all over my feet, and the multiple bruises/blood under my toenails and the eventual loss of several nails. She went on and on about the "perfect foot" and how I need to wear socks and lace up shoes at all times, orthodicts, etc etc. She finally said that I should have listened to the doctor in the first place , when he said I would be in a wheelchair and never run again. ?? She asked me why I run ? and why I didn't listen to the doctor and how doctors know best. I told her that Doctors don't know "me" and how much determination and inner strength it took me just to be able to run and I thought of this quote and smiled at her.
"People ask why I run. I say, If you have to ask, you will never understand. It is something only those select few know. Those who put themselves through pain, but know, deep down, how good it really feels. "
I looked down at my feet in an outrage. THOSE ARE MY FEET! MY EM FEET! I am proud of my feet... they have been through a lot. They have been severely burning for 6 years, swelled up 4 times their size, and yet through all that EM pain, they have not only survived, but thrived. How dare you lecture me on feet!!!! especially when you have no idea what EM is. I wear flip flops out of necessity, I can't slather them in lotion and put socks on them, and I sure as hell cant confine them in the heat in socks and shoes all the time!! I felt like a victim needed to be heard. I may never have "perfect feet", I may lose some toe nails, and have swollen feet with bruised nails, but they are IRONMAN FEET. My feet have taken me to fulfilling my dreams, and my feet are strong. I huffed and I puffed and I marched out of that office with my limp and a soft cast that I knew i couldnt keep on any longer and a moon boot. I got home and cried. How do you have the right to stomp on my dreams? I have done the best I could with the crap given to me. I'm sorry but since having EM, I have not been concerned about the damage done by wearing sandals year round. I have not been concerned with striving for the perfect foot. What kind of life would that be? She must have a very boring life. I just couldn't believe she would tell me to stay in a wheelchair.?? its not like my injury was so severe that I couldnt run/walk again....and even if it was, I would try anyway. So I listened to the important small bit and decided to get a 2nd opinion...this time from a doc that actually runs . :)
The second doctor I went to was thankfully, drastically different. He too didn't know about EM, but he was fascinated by it and told me he would research it before my next visit. He said I was an ENIGMA.... haha. He gave me an ultrasound and examined my feet. He pushed and prodded and pulled and none of it hurt? He was suprised when he looked at the ultrasound and saw a tear in my tendon. He pushed/pulled at my foot to see if it hurt like most patients with that injury and it still didnt. Once again, the EM pain is too strong for me to feel the smaller pain of a torn tendon. The only time it really hurts was full bodyweight. He actually listened to me and didnt put me in a cast. :P I ordered this really cool ankle brace that you can run in. :P He told me no running/weight bearing activity for 2 weeks. I needed to rest it and no physical therapy either. He said that because I can't feel when I'm hurting my tendon so while it is torn, REST REST REST. He did say I could bike, swim, and water run as long as I could stand it... Funny because you can't tell an Ironwoman like me I can bike/swim/water run as much as I want to.... He probably should have given me a limit... wink wink. Anyhoo, I was upset about no running. I tried to remember when I couldnt run and the 4 years I dreamed of running. Its only another 2 weeks... sigh. I wondered how much running fitness I will lose, and I wondered about the 50 mile race I have planned and if I could still do it. I wondered where I went wrong...The doctor said to me that he is the last person who will tell me I can't run. He used to run until he blew out his knee so he knows what it is like. He says " You live to run another day" LOVE IT!!! finally a doc that gets it.
"There is no failure, only feedback."
The first week it hurt to walk even with the brace...partly because my left toe was killing me!! and for some reason my uninjured right foot was in a horrible flare all week......the weather? I am just thankful for the bike trainer Dan bought for me! It didnt hurt at all to ride my bike indoors with a brace. So I pedaled and pedaled for miles. As good as it felt to still be able to bike... indoor biking isnt the same. But, luckily there was a huge snow storm so I didn't miss being outside. :) and Barbara, miracle worker, came to see me and give me a lymphatic drainage massage. Suprisingly my feet healed and my infected/burned toe healed so I didnt lose it!! yay! I did lose the 2 nails, but that doesn't really bother me... maybe now I am anti perfect foot anyway? I'm such a rebel!! what do they say?
"If you haven't lost any toe nails, then you haven't run long enough?" *giggle* I've been told that some ultrarunners permanently remove their toes, but I'm not that crazy... ouch. I started to think about the approach I took to trail running... Pedal to the Metal, all out approach, not thinking about what could go wrong, and if I could get hurt. In mountain biking, I've learned that the slower you go, the more likely you are to fall... so maybe taking that approach with trail running was wrong?? haha... just hurled myself along the trail/snow...trying to keep up, having fun...and twisting my ankle so many times I lost count. and now being injured I have to start from the beginning again and figure out what I need to do differently this time around.
"Sometimes when you walk through a maze you have to go back to where you started to get to where you want to go."
So basically, I've learned I have no idea where my feet are. May sound strange, but its the truth. The "good" doc said I have absolutely no proprioception whatsoever. He did some tests and it was pathetic really. I knew this already from training with the North Face group when we close our eyes and do drills and I couldn't do it. He and I suspect its because of EM> my nerves have been on fire and in such pain for so many years now that I can't feel when I twist my ankle or feel when I hurt it. AND I have no idea when I'm putting my feet in a dangerous position on the trail because I spend so much time, "ignoring"/not listening to pain in my feet. Sigh... once again , stupid EM pain, and my strength in handling it, HAS HURT ME. How did it get to this? So far, EM pain has almost killed me for not feeling a ruptured appendix, not feeling a massive infection in my tooth leading to sepsis, not feeling a dislocated shoulder/elbow, and not feeling burns, and tears in tendons, and kidney infections. Makes me wonder, what else have I not felt????????????? Would I even feel it if my head was screwed on backwards???? How do I stop this? I've gotten good at running/biking/swimming with extreme pain. How do I go back to feeling every little baby pain. Is it even possible? or is it permanent nerve pain? Basically I have to completely start over and try to feel every senstion, including the extreme EM pain again. SIGH. Not sure I want to.
"The path to our destination is not always a straight one. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn't matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark in the first place. "
On a strange note: I have now developed Raynaud's Phenomenon in my left foot. Maybe the injury has caused it temporarily? or permanently? The doctor said my left foot was in a complete vasoconstriction and may have helped cause the toe problems because of frost bite. WTF???????? I just keep getting weirder and weirder. He says for now, I have to keep my left foot warm and wear socks and boots in freezing weather.. ??? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT????? when my right foot still has EM and can't tolerate... the shoe/sandal situation baffles me. Whatever the reason, Raynauds is quite nice compared to EM. I don't feel the burning horrible searing pain, it turns white instead of red and doesnt swell up at all. Supposedly, Raynauds patients feel a cold prickly pain sensation but I dont feel it. Maybe I should injure my other foot????? no seriously. WHen I told the doctor that he looked at me like I was insane. But EM patients know exactly what I am talking about. I read in the forums all the time how EM people are desperate enough to try ANYTHING to get rid of EM. Some EM people get EM from injuries and is not genetic and they want to try reinjuring themselves to make it go away. One of the first known case of EM asked for both leg amputations and got it done thinking it would help him but of course it didnt. Pain will make people do funny things. So don't judge me when I joke that I should injure my other foot. You really have no idea unless you have EM. I wonder if it is just temporary? and why my right foot has gone crazy with EM lately. I look strange with 1 snow white foot and 1 freakish burning red foot. I also wonder why I didnt feel my right toe nail pain, and yet I felt the left toe pain like crazy. ? Maybe I'll figure out this EM thing someday. Maybe I will finally know the reason I came down with EM and how to trick it back into constriction? Maybe I will finally find the inbetween and get back to normal. My Raynauds foot feels the most "normal" it has felt in a long time... not to diminish Raynauds pain, but for me, I'll take it anyday...just wish it would be balanced.
So here I go again... doing my proprioception drills, trying to come aware of my feet and what is good for them and what is bad. This time I will be better than before, prepared, humbled, ready to be taught. The doc said I could run on last Wednesday, and I did... AND IT WAS AWESOME. On Friday, it was a miserable rainy day and I ran... and LOVED IT. And next week I can start trail running again. This may have slowed me down, but it can never stop me. NEVER STOP ME. So to all the EM, Raynauds, and Pain disorder people: lets stand up to the naysayers, to the ones who try and stop us, and the ones that call us freaks, to the ones that tell us to give it up and stay in a wheelchair. We need to stand up to the Doctors that think they have the right to take our hope away. They can try but they will not trample, we are strong, we will never give up. We will not let doctors tell us what we can't or cannot do based on their negatively and something they don't understand. I am the only one that can tell myself I can't do something, and I don't have to listen.
HAPPY TRAILS!"I don't run away from a challenge because I am afraid. I run toward it because the only way to escape fear is to trample it beneath my feet."
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Erythromelalgia Running Rebel
Yesterday was my birthday, and I did something amazing. It might not have been as far as others, or as fast, but just as challenging. I ran 5 hours on a snowy trail, with shoes and socks, and yak traks on. Yes, I repeat.... SHOES, SOCKS AND YAK TRAKS. It has been 6 long years of running in sandals, and I can't remember the last time I wore socks while running. It has been something I have dreamed about since being first diagnosed with EM. I thought shoes, boots, and socks would never be again. I remember the first year with EM, I could wear flip flops in the snow and it would feel so good because of the intense heat pain. I couldnt even wear shoes in the winter back then. I have done all my races since then in sandals... and now 6 years later, I did something I never thought I would do again. Run in socks and shoes!! Finally, after years of burning pain, years of convincing my mind that I wasn't dying and that pain is not going to kill me, I found that in freezing weather, I can FINALLY wear shoes. Only someone with EM would know what that feels like. It has been a long hard road where I have tried to wear shoes and socks and failed. The burning pain has always been too much. Each year I have gotten better at dealing with the pain. Each year closer to being "normal" and to stop people staring at me and making fun of me of wearing flip flops in the winter. Just this year I started wearing trail shoes while running in the freezing cold.... AND I LOVE IT! Its like Im defying the doctors, defying the people who said I would never walk again, never wear shoes and socks, and be in such extreme pain that I would never have a normal life and never accomplish my dreams..
look at me!!!! I'm not only in shoes and socks... i'm in yak trax!!! clamps that go around the shoes to give traction in the slippery snow. At first I looked at the yak trax like they were torture machines. I feared my attempt to run up to 41 miles in the snowey trails would be too much pain I could bear. Not because I am afraid of pain, but because EM would prevent me from finishing again.
I went to the sports store with Dan on Saturday. I bought SOCKS!! I don't know what the new socks are like these days to prevent blisters and to protect trail runners from the elements. I felt like it was the first time I had ever bought socks and felt proud of myself. One more step in the battle against EM and its limitations. I have met some amazing people from the North Face Running group, and they gave me tips of the best trail gear. I bought trail shoes from Innov8 !!
Well, Dan bought them for me as part of my birthday pressie. I HAVE RUNNING SHOES. The only other running shoes I have are my zoot tri shoes which I won in Cadence Challenge 2 years ago.. I have run in them on the streets this winter when it is below freezing, but with no socks. It feels so good to get running shoes for my birthday!!! I know it sounds weird, but any shoe, boot, sock I wear, its a luxury for me... something I didnt think possible. !!! yippee! slowly but surely. I feel like an EM rebel. ;)
I have been running in Harriman, Bear mountain with some trail running friends and I love it! I love it more than running on the road...it feels like I'm free and its so much more challenging. They are so fast and cat like when they run. Maybe I can be like them some day, but now I 'll settle for finishing! I signed up for the 50 mile Bear Mountain run in May. Lots of people think I'm crazy for doing it.. but why not? something new for me to try. And if I fail, I will try again tomorrow.
So, I find out about this organized run from Croton Dam in Westchester all the way to Manhattan on the Old Croton Aqueduct Trail. And it was on my birthday!! What a cool way to start a new year! ? I'm not a morning person and yet I get up at 5 am on my birthday to go run possibly 41 miles in the snow!!! I knew I wasn't going to finish the 41 miles considering my longest trail run was 15 miles, but I wanted to go at least 20. We take the train up to Croton Harmon and we run north about 3 miles to get to the dam.
The OCA trail is hard to follow because its not completely straight through anymore... you cross streets and have to find the trail again. We got lost the first 3 miles... haha But we just ran a little longer than planned. ?Its hard to run in snow, I twist my ankle a lot, some uneven footing. I try to keep up, I'm not used to running in socks, shoes and yaks. The longest I have run on the trail is 3 and a half hours. My goal is to go at least 4. We wind around, run behind, run through, run over, run into, and have fun. And I managed to not fall down this time!!! woohoo. Susie and I run most of it together and we take pictures during the run partly because its fun, we bored and we want to document it.
about halfway, we stop at a gas station to refuel. I got some water, some super coke, and Susie and I split a bagel. It was the worst bagel ever...stale, dry, old, but it tasted great! Its amazing what you think is good when you are hungry. The coke gives me a very short surge. Wished it lasted longer! My back hurts from carrying the pack, my legs hurt, and my feet are killing me. Right here is where I noticed a strong toe pain, but managed to ignore most of it. At mile 20, I was getting slower and slower. Feels like every marathon I do, slow and painful anything more than 20. It is clear I wasn't going to make 41, but I made it to 20! We kept running and running and running and running. Susie and I hit mile 25 and we make an assessment. It is 3 miles to go to Yonkers. Her foot/ankle is killing her, and I am tired and don't want to run alone and get lost. So we bail at 5 hours. I limp to the train station, wanting really badly to take off my shoes and socks, but realize if I do, they wont go back on again. We wait for the train to arrive and I sit down proud. I went longer than I thought I could do and am excited for future runs where I get faster, stronger, and can run longer. 
I get home from my run finally. Dan had a bubble bath ready for me and was cooking me a great bday dinner, and presents and cake! Yummy. I look at my feet and realized the casualties of this shoe war. I am losing at least 3-4 toenails.! I forgot what it is like wearing shoes and jamming toes into the front and I can't help but think the yak traks also made it worse. My feet swelled up like normal and have horrible toe pain because of it. But I look at my horrible looking toes and a battle wound and wear them with pride. Today in the fight against EM, Kate won, and is ok dealing with the war wounds.
I will attempt that run again, and will finish the 41 miles. The key is to figure out what you can do now and what has to wait for later. I could have ran longer, I could have made 30 at least, and possibly more, but I would have been wrecked. I hadn't trained enough for 41 miles and didn't want to destroy myself and possibly injure myself beyond repair. No excuses, just acceptance that I live to run another day. :P So here I am, rebelling against EM limits, running and playing, in shoes and socks, and doing things they said I couldnt do. :) What a great birthday.
"Whatever. There are no tricks. Run because you have to. Run because you love it. Run because you want to be fast. Run because you want to be skinny. Run to find some quiet time. Run to sweat. Run to eat. Run hear your heart pound in your ears. Run because you're a runner. Run because you gotta keep the streak. Run because you don't know why the hell you're running. Run because you fought with your partner. Run because your job is shitty. Run because you got no money. Run for the sunrise. Run for a race. Run because it's impossible. Run because it's easy. Run instead of doing the laundry. Run instead of watching TV. Run because no one else understands. Run because the cool kids do it. Run because you're tired of talking. run for numbers. Run for feel. Run to prove something. Run because it fucking hurts. Or don't run. If you got something better to do." - Jeff Edmonds
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The Butterfly Effect
WWW.BURNINGBRIGHT.ORG
I am creating a new website for Erythromelalgia sufferers at http://www.burningbright.org/. The website is a place for sufferers who want to make their voice be heard, who want to help in creating awareness for EM, and for those who want a hopeful place where their dreams can also come true. This is a site to go along with the EM site at burningfeet, but where their focus is on finding a cure, which is great and hopefully will find a cure, our site is for the sufferers themselves. Eventually, am forming a foundation as well which will try to raise money to help EM sufferers accomplish their dreams, pay for alternative treatments where insurance doesn't cover, and help them be proactive in raising awareness. A cure may not happen in our lifetimes, but we have a chance to make it happen by creating awareness and exposure, and I want a website that encourages people to do this. I have always wanted to do this, been planning on doing this, but have yet to do it until now. I feel it is the right time for it, and even though I have no idea how I will get this all done and no idea how long this will take, but I have decided to do it now.... Eventually our website will have essay contests/videos of sufferers finding different ways to create awareness. We will hopefully have funding to help.
I received an email/comment from someone who I know call my friend, Ashley, who saw my ESPN video and has motivated her and she will be helping me on this quest. I urge any EM sufferer who wants to help get involved! After my ESPN video, and even now, I get emails and comments from sufferers who want help now and like me, are tired of waiting for a cure. I have found that waiting for something that may never happen is depressing, but once you take a step to help it happen, it makes a world of difference. So, I hope that you continue to support TEA in their quest for a cure, and also join us in our fight for our disorder. At Burningbright.org, we are figting for a right to exist. We are tired of being invisible, we have a right to feel our pain, and still live and do amazing things with EM. We don't want to stay in wheelchairs and indoors no longer. We are tired of being dismissed by doctors and crazy, drug addicts, or inable to be helped. We will find different ways of being heard. We are incredibly strong survivors of a debiliating disorder.
Someone once told me that one person can't make a difference, so why bother. I am here to prove that one person can make a difference!! And one person on a website, who is joined by another, and another, and another, and multiplied to show, that yes 1 person can make a difference, and yes, collectively, we can change the world. So if you want to help make this world a better place for EM sufferers, then visit http://www.burningbright.org/ and stand up with us. It is called the Butterfly effect.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
IRONMAN FLORIDA RACE REPORT
went to check in which was insane! Friday did the normal bike/transition stuff and tried to go to bed early.
WOke up at 3 am completely bright eyed and bushy tailed. Actually got out of bed at 4:15ish to eat my PB & Honey sandwhich and wake up. Advantage at staying at Boardwalk hotel in the not so nice section is that it is right outside my door!! Went down at 5 am, got bodymarked and dropped off food/liquid and stuff, and then went back upstairs!! :) awesome.
Went down to the beach at around 630 and hopped in the water and then headed over to the start section. Saw Kristin there and we were both looking for our guys. Found mine and decided to be as far right as I could but close to the front. Was getting really scared looking at all of these people. I see crazy people!!!! :)
SWIM:
that brought out my inner breastroker and managed to whip my frogs legs and really kick them. They didnt try again. Somehow, after the first buoy I ended up directly by the buoys and not far right!? ugh... I ended up in a group of mainly red capped men and only a couple women. One guy actually managed to grap my rubber boob...? still dont know how he managed that/? and I swear someone bit my foot.. The first lap was stupid! By the time i got to the turnaround my watch said 32 minutes... and i needed a break from the constant pounding so I walked the sand bar bit... should have ran/swam it or something because it took me over 5 minutes to start swimming again..haha! I ended up passing a girl with a hot pink cap and thought that I wanted one like that!!! didnt realize right away that it was a pro woman. The second lap was actually worse?!? i was still surrounded and getting pounded. I got elbowed pretty bad in the quad that hurt for half of the lap! At this point it was kind of funny... a UFC fight with actual headbutts, elbows, and knees... got hit with everything possible! :) i think someone actually picked up the sting ray and hit me with it. :) Boy I was glad to get out of that swim or "fight". I was disappointed with the 1:09, but considering... it was the best I could do at the time. And I didn't have that choking/panic attack like normal and I didnt throw up 7 times like at R.I.! :)thoughts:
-dunno? Join a club and get back to my college swim and turbo blast around the course? Couldnt have gone farther right, so I guess I would start in the same place, but just train more swimming...
-and remember its all in the elbows...they are way worse than fists/hands...
-and maybe get a black eye so I could look purty in my swim picture instead of just dazed...ok not really but my swim pic was bad!
Transition:
Thoughts:
-cant believe it took me 9 minutes? hmmmmmmm.. must be those darn arm warmers!! they are evil when wet.
BIKE:
Think everyone and their great grandma passed me in a peleton!! !no really... trying to figure out where it went wrong, but decided it was the whole bike!!! lots of little things that just multiplied. My time wasnt as bad as it could of been, but i felt HORRIBLE.
I started out at 22 mph and kept holding myself back...back to 20-21 thought that this was going to be fun if I can hold this!!! ?! I know I can hold at least 20 mph because of my long bikes, so I thought I was doing great@! What do they say: If you feel good in an Ultra... dont worry, you'll get over it. :) I noticed that a few of my gels that i taped on had fallen off already and some of my nutrition out of my "shopping basket" aka bento box was gone as well@?? dont know what happened, but must have been in the hand off and maybe it was torn off. HUMPF. Not a good sign. I know that with my hypoglycemia that I can really get messed up and bonk like crazy with little
changes. And I noticed my quads were really cramped up right from the get go. Don't know why?? But after 5 miles it was clear that this wasnt going to be as fun as I thought. Little did I know that my legs were going to get worse and I was going to do a world record bonk. I was constantly getting passed by people, was surprised at how many were drafting? It wasnt that hard to avoid it. I think people just used it as an excuse to go faster? I saw the official nail a few people in the first 20 miles or so. At least some got busted, but it seemed random. I just told myself that it was Karma and if they can cheat and live with themselves so be it. When we passed the bridge and turned right it was clear I was in trouble. There was a strong headwind and it seemed to just go uphill the whole way?!! not a large hill but with that wind it made it pretty ridiculous. My legs were still cramped and I tried the thermalytes which normally help but didnt. The wind was getting on my nervevs!! I knew we didnt turn until around mile 50 and I was annoyed. Wind wind WIND... FInally I hit Special needs so I could get some more nutrition that i was used to, and IT WAS RUINED. The only thing still good was my cold coke wrapped up with ice and foil... COKE LOVE IT!!!! but everything else was melted and mushed together and couldnt eat it. THe potato chips I packed were gone and I really wanted the salt!! OH crap I thought. Guess I will have to do with the gels and the stuff at the aid station, but I do so much better with real food. Gels affect my sugar too much when eaten alone... I saw Dan at mile 60 and it brightened my spirit...even though I knew I was way off target. So this is when bonkarama hit. When we turned on that camp road and the bump bump bump bumpy road and back into wind, I was crying and screaming at the wind like it would help. THe bananas, gels and power bars werent helping. I tried to tell myself to suck it up, but until I get my blood sugar back up, pep talks wouldnt help. AM I dead yet? can you just kill me ? I am never doing an Ironman again!!! hahathump thump, bump bump.... my bike sounded like it was falling apart. :) I just wanted to get onto that smooooooooooooooooooth road that they just repaved. WHen I finally hit that, I was happy because I knew once I turned back onto that hill it was only 12 milesish left!!
So i sucked it up and just biked the best I could with my screaming legs and unwilling body and managed to get up that hill/bridge thingy and tried anything I could to keep busy and not get upset. When we turned back onto the beach road into that wind, I actually started laughing... of course.. wouldnt be an Ironman without that extra wind. At least my spirits were up? Just couldnt wait to get off the bike.. kept asking myself are we there yet? just to bug myself. finally reached the transition area!!! woohoo!! and it hit me that my bike wasnt as bad as it could have been because I have 9 hours to do the marathon. That thought was awesome because I am a slow shuffler, but even I can finish if i can keep moving!!! maybe just maybe??????????????
Thoughts:
-Get a leg transplant... :) my boyfriend has super biking legs.
-train in a wind tunnel or invent warp speed on my bike
-seriously, more bike training? practice with wind? somehow learn to control hypoglycemia in race conditions..try to simulate nerves/jitters and the effects of food needs ? practice makes perfect?
Transition:
Running:
ing around the corver, seeing Dan and talking to him for probably about 15 min. Guess i needed even more rest??? felt stiff as a board but hopefull. Tried running and it wasnt too bad?? had a stomach ache/cramp that didnt go away until mile 3, so I ran for a bit, walked for a bit. When I ran I was going around 11 min mile pace which is about normal for a brick. Walked at every aid station and drank coke...love coke!! the aid stations were fun and loved the guys in bikinis.. Saw Kristin at around mile 5...she looked strong! yay Kristin. Hit the park and ran around it yay... only 3 more to go. Saw the motivational section and my message was "suck it up princess" nice... thanks dan. :Pit was starting to get dark at mile 10 and I saw some people with glow thingys but I never saw any to get? I guess they have then at mile 13? i had slowed down a little bit at around 12 min mile pace... wasnt happy about it but there was nothing I could do. Then i saw chicken broth... hmmmmmmmm. Tried it, not the biggest fan but it was salty. Always followed it up with coke though. Bad aftertaste! hit almost halfway and saw Dan... boy that felt good to see him... Im halfway through my marathon!! and i still have lots of time. :) He said there were glow thingys right around the corner.. hit the turnaround and picked up special needs. Looked around and there were no more glow sticks!! i saw kids running around with handfuls of them... wtf/? one approached me and i said hey were did you get those? and he looked at me and said I dont know and I as
ked if I could have one and he said yes.. Boy did I feel bad taking "candy" from a kid. Wont make that mistake again! will get my own. made it to the park...my pace fell even further. THe park sucked! WIth my disorder I can't see in the dark and my eyes cant adjust to bright lights in the dark and I just cant see! So this part was very scary and thoughts of stepping in a big pot hole and falling and breaking my leg or something came to mind. I felt so alone!!! just one foot in front of the other... i FINALLY made it out the other side!! 5 more miles..kept shuffling/walking. 4 more miles... can i make it??? right around 3 miles left I think? I saw a guy right on the side of the road and he was in a bikini/thong and posing like a male model. I blinked and I swear his eyes were following me, and I asked him "aren't you cold in that" ?? and then i realized, that it was a cardboard cut out!!! haha... a few people behind me laughed as well... at least i can make someone laugh with my blonde moments. :)then i came up on two miles left!!!!! i LOVE THAT SIGN! MILE 24. 2 more long miles, but I can make it!! I wanted to come in under 15 hours and if i hold pace ill make it! I can't believe this??? Im going to do this!!! the thoughts of me laying in that bed, wishing I was dead and almost killing myself flashed in front of
me. Struggling for years just to walk, and bike and just even be able to run.. seeing that Ironman Kona program on tv that saved my life. And now Im going to be an IRONMAN>.. 1 mile left!!!! and then I heard the music and the noise and saw the bright lights... i started running... so fast... not wanted to fail now, I ran so fast... faster than i ever have ( ok prob not) but it sure felt so fast. People were high fiving me, cheering me on.. and i turned that corner and saw the finishers chute.. and i ran over it screaming!!! Kate Conklin, yes you, get over here, you are an Ironman!!!! Mike Reiley finally saw me as an Ironman. I CANT BELIEVE IT!! i got my picture taken and stuffed my face with food and wanted to sit down so bad. I was in shock and wondering why I wasnt crying? everytime i imagined it in my head i cried, but there were no tears. Still in shock. Hugged and kissed Dan, poor guy, must have been ironsweaty. Got back to the hotel somehow and I couldnt sleep. I didnt cry the next day or the next, but when we made it to Disney World, the place dreams come true... i balled my eyes out. my dream came true!! i know its cheesy, but it did!! :)I am finally an Ironman!!!!
this is to all the doctors and people who told me I wouldnt walk again let alone do an Ironman. How do you like me now???? :)
Night of Ironman: N
Day 1 after IM: No, not doing another one, but never say never
Day 2 after IM: I dunno, maybe?
Day 3 after IM: which one should I do?
Day 4 after IM: which one which one??
Day 5 after IM: cant wait to my next one!!! haha
"I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle -- victorious."
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
IRONMAN FLORIDA TRACKING@!!!!
I can't believe it is here again!! Here is a link to track me on Saturday:
http://ironman.com/events/ironman/florida/?show=tracker&y=2009
the actual tracking of 2009 won't be available until raceday. My race number/bib number is #2405!!!
Im so nervous and excited. Thoughts and fears from last years failed attempt keep coming up and I keep trying to convince myself that Im ready!! I trained hard and trained long and did everything I could to get ready...now its just going to come down to a little luck, hope, and determination.
Just so you know whether I am having a really good day or a horrible day these are my estimated times:
SWIM:
GOOD = 1:15 AND BELOW
JUST FINISH: 1:20+
BIKE:
GOOD = 6:30 AND UNDER
JUST FINISH 7:00+
RUN:
GOOD= 6:00 AND UNDER
JUST FINISH = 6:00 + ALL THE WAY TO TOTAL ALLOTED TIME OF 17 HOURS OR MIDNIGHT CUT OFF.
Please let me be brave in the attempt.
"Each day I live
I want to be
A day to give
The best of me
I'm only one
But not alone
My finest day
Is yet unknown
I broke my heart
Fought every gain
To taste the sweet
I face the pain
I rise and fall
Yet through it all
This much remains
I want one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity"
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Haleakala Volcano "House of the Sun"
"You have not tasted success until you have succeeded at something you truly thought not possible."
Stretching across east Maui, Haleakala National Park is home to Haleakala Crater, an active, but not currently erupting volcano, and Maui's highest peak. Rising over 10,000 feet above sea level, Haleakala's graceful slopes can be seen from just about any point on the island. Haleakala means "House of the sun" in Hawaiian, and legend has it that the demigod Maui lassoed the sun itself from its summit to slow the sun's journey across the skies. There are plenty of bike tours DOWN THE VOLCANO, but didnt see one for going up!.> why not? :)
What can I say? I can't believe I actually did it!!??? If I woke up tomorrow with my head on backwards... I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. It's not because I'm a negative person, quite opposite... It is because of past experience of climbing hills. Just ask Dan, I can barely ride up small hills without extreme pain, whining and shortness of breathe... so the real question is, if I am horrible on hills, WHY DID I EVEN ATTEMPT TO BIKE UP a 10,000 foot volcano????????????
thats me at the start..... and i was very nervous and hoped that my little grasshopper legs would be good today. don'task me why I wanted to do it in the first place. I get these wild ideas and don't know how to turn them off!! haha... anyhoo, I woke up with extreme jitters.... i look over the map and I count all the switchbacks. I think that if I could make it to the Park Headquarters at 7000 feet that would be awesome!! The summit is 10,000 feet and the likelihood of me making it was slim to none. Dan said if I biked to the top a pig would fly. I shared that belief!!!! The only "mountain" ive climbed on my bike is Bear Mountain and thats only 6 miles up and 1,284 ft tall.... haha. I just looked up that elevation and I remember that I used to think that was hard to climb... doesnt that say enough of my climbing abilities??
I start climbing on my bike and the weather was cool, and cloudy, seemed perfect that I woudn't have to battle heat. The first 10 minutes were hard!! Normally it takes me 30 minutes to get warm and I never start on a hill!! It felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. So I stopped for 1 minute to let it go back down. Decided that was my new plan.... every few switchbacks, I would take a breather. I told Dan and his dad who were in the van that I wanted to do at least 1 hour if not 2 so I couldn't stop less than that. After 40 minutes I start
ed to get in a groove. I was at 4000 feet and they had open cow fields and these cows just started to cross the road in front of me and I giggled....they were so cute! I thought that maybe this was cow heaven where they can roam in the clouds. Then I thought if I had to pee they would see the 'moon' and jump over me.. ;) I called and they were eating breakfast at this lodge and told them to buy me some coke because I was having fun... FUN????!!??? I was actually having fun. I nev
er have fun on hills. Everytime I passed a new elevation sign, it made me happy. I reached 5000 feet and groaned. I only have 2 more thousand to get to the park entrance, and than 5k to the summit. So, I just jammed to my ipod and stopped thinking about how much farther, and focused on how far I've gone. Just make it to the next 1000. I passed more cows, and started to pass through the clouds and that was so cool!! I was biking above clouds and it was an amazing feeling. One funny bit was when all these speeding bikers who come flying down the volcano, some look like they are having fun, and others, look scared to death! I saw all these adds for biking down the volcano, but none for going up??? WHY NOT?????? i cant be the only daft one wh
o wants to climb. I decided mine was more fun, or maybe it was the change in altitude. ? It was a strange thing for me to admit that I would rather bike UP instead of down... weird!!! But i didnt want to squeeze the brakes all the way down, especially on a bike that I do
nt know.I kept going up all the switchbacks that seem to go on forever, hoping that i would get a little downhill or flat to get some relief, but there were all UPS. Dan says to me all the time, "it is all downhill..................... except for the uphills".. yeah...right. :)
I passed the sign for 6500 feet!! I was so close to the entrance...i can make it!! so i keep going and going and going.... The scenery was changing again and the pine trees and luckily i had my ipod because i would have sung christmas songs...blech!
So I see the sign and Dan is there with his camera.. I made it to 7,000!! Higher than I have been on my bike... but it doesnt seem enough? why? oh why? Im tired!!!! Then 1 dude wa
s coming down on his bike. He biked to the top and he was on his way down. He says the rest of the way is the worst!! And then he said something that stuck in my head... "You did good getting this far" .... excuse me?? For some reason it seemed like he didnt think i could make it and i should just stop!!!! Screw that, I can go a little more. I decided i was going to try for 8000 feet. What is the worst that could happen?? Dan gives me the ice cold coke..... COKE... mmmmmmmmm. so i continue on... and the coke gave me a huge surge!! or maybe it was the lack of oxygen gettin to me or the fact that i am going further than i thought i would??
The only problem is IT WAS GETTING REALLY HARD. Was climbing more elevation in smaller amount of switchbacks... It seemed like it was getting really steep and my legs were getting jelloie. I wondered if i could make it any further? Then I slowly creep up on 8000 feet!! w
hew! i made it! it was like XMAS where you keep getting presents except you have to work to get. All this time I thought it was like biking to heaven, but was starting to think it was hell with a pretty package until you get to the volcano bit which is hell in disguise. I was beginning to think that maybe i did die or was in a coma..how else can you explain me geting to 8000 feet??? Dan told me that I only had 1 switchback before 9000 feet, and it was way longer!!! It seemed to go on forever and i climbed 1000 feet in this supposed switchback. Stupid switchback...(*&Q@(#!@@!!@@@! now that is the climbing girl that i know!! grumpy/
then I reach 9000...woohoo!! Im starting to really feel lighthead, uncoordinated, and find it hard to breathe. I hallucinated to and thought i s
aw a cow on the ledge jumping off to commit suicide but it was just a big brown rock or a poop or something..haha. i felt like i was drunk trying to bike in a straight line.
Then i passed the lookout at 9300 and kept going to 9700 feet where the visitor center #2 is...why its not at the summit I dont know. That means I only have 300 huge feet to the summit! could i make it? i feel like i could collapse and die from emphasema. I just cant breathe and it makes me really happy i never smoked.
the last 300 hundred feet was the hardest! I couldn't breathe and my legs just didnt want to move. My body was screaming STOP and my mind was saying never!
Puff puff, wheeze wheeze,and i huff and Ipuff and i couldnt blow any house down. Where is that flying pig??????????? BECAUSE I JUST SUMMITTED!!! I JUST BIKED UP 10,000 FEET!!!!!////?????????????? Holy cow!! yay!!!!!!!!!! The sign that says to walk slowly at this elevation cracks me up!!!!! surp
rised i didnt see a pig.. felt high as a kite!
I could just roll around on the crater laughing if i had the energy. Im shaking, and shaking and can barely stand up... ha ha ha. That is the coolest thing i have done on my bike.... possibly the coolest thing i have ever done... that and run the marathon with EM. It took me 4 hours to bike to the top. 4 hours of pure torturous climbing. Thought it would never end.... but the most surprising part... was that I enjoyed it!! ???especially the finishing bit...haha. Today, during Kate versus big hill....... KATE WON. Haleakala volcano, the house of the sun, will always have a special place in my heart. Kind of fitting that its the 'house of the sun'.
Maybe, just maybe, the Ironman will be possible now? That sometimes, when the odds are completely against you, and no one, not even yourself, fully believe that its possible, and then a miracle happens. When all your hard work and hopes and determination seem to come together. Maybe? all my training and pain, and horrible bike rides and painful
runs and heartache of last years IM attempt will make it possible? i know its the journey not the end that makes it worth it, and I have enjoyed it, most of it at least. but it still would be nice to step across that finish line. And maybe that is why i did this crazy bike the volcano thing, to have some confidence to bring to the Ironman? who knows, but im glad i did!!! in 35 days, I will try the IM again... can't wait!
"Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
