"No matter how well you know the course, no matter how well you may have done in a given race in the past, you never know for certain what lies ahead on the day you stand at the starting line waiting to test yourself once again. If you did know, it would not be a test; and there would be no reason for being there."
Today, I attempted to race the North Face Endurance Challenge Bear Mountain 50 miler. I was doing good until I fell off a cliff. Yes a rock cliff, at least 20-25 feet. They say when falling you see your life flash before your eyes... I saw no such thing. Maybe because I didn't fall very far? haha.. Although, I remember thinking: this is it. I landed on my left foot on a rock and then fell into a bush. I lay there for what seemed like an eternity. Was I dead? Was I paralyzed? I just lay there not moving, not able to call out for help.. I remember thinking this is nice. Floating there, not feeling anything. I might have passed out, I have no idea? I think I must have hit my head.. see later. Then all of a sudden I heard this voice, my voice? who knows? The voice said very loudly: GET UP! GET UP NOW! so i managed to pull myself to my feet. I had a few cuts on my left leg, but the rain managed to wash the blood off. My foot though... my injured foot.. the poor foot that I tore the tendon in February that threatened this race in the first place, OW. I was doing so well too! So how did this happen?
I started off the run in the dark at 5:15 am. I have no night vision whatsoever. The optoneurologist from Mayo said that because of Erythromelalgia, my blood vessels that don't dilate/constrict properly/adjust to change makes in really hard for me to see at night with bright lights shining in my eyes.. My eyes just can't adjust. I'm running along with my head lamp, praying that i don't fall. I'm holding a decent pace for me. My coach told me to start off slow and then go slower... Sometimes, its embarrasing. I AM SLOW. I don't think someone with EM is supposed to run. Hell, they said I couldn't walk... but no means yes to me. I am determined to run, whatever it takes. But, I need to be more accepting with myself. I may be slow, but I try as hard as I can and that is all that matters. So, I'm running along at 11-12 min mile pace... pretty good for trail at Bear mtn. I hit the first aid station at mile 4 ish at around 48 minutes. Good . I was a right on pace. They give you 14 hours to finish, and I know I slow down a lot, so I wanted to run the first half in 6 hours to give me plenty of time to slow down, or hit the really hard technical bits. At mile 5 ish, I fell on my left leg. Great! had a small cut on my left knee that was bleeding, but I felt a twinge in my injured foot. Who knows if this had a helping hand for the big fall/injury? Then I fall again, and again. Humpf. I ended up falling 4 times before mile 16. Guess it just wasn't my day???? I'm still holding good pace. Run run run. Then it starts to rain....
Somewhere around mile 17-18, It started raining cats and dogs... monsooning on me right when I was climbing these huge rocks/cliffs/whatever you call them. Most of the time, I LOVE running on these huge rocks because they have such great grip... much better than stupid leaves. EXCEPT FOR WHEN ITS POURING! in combination with some huge wind gusts, down I go. I felt like humpty dumpty. I never recovered from this fall. Unfortunetly, there was no one around, no one to see me fall, and no way for them to help. Thank goodness, I could walk. So I stumble along, crying, trying to make it to mile 20.7 aid station. I kept going and going and going... mile 21, where is the aid station? Mile 22... wtf? BLEEP BLEEP (*_&(*^*)&$&%#^@@@@@@@!!!!im looking at my watch and all of sudden i'm approaching the cut off time ? how long was I out/laying there? I was on track to hit mile 20.7 at 5 hours.. and now it is 540? FINALLY, AND I MEAN BLOODY H-LL.. i see the parking lot, I see Dan, my coach Dennis, and Susie. I'm crying and hobbling, wondering.. can I go on?
"You hear about how runnin' ultras is all mental; well, I sure wish
it'd hurry up and get mental, 'cause it's feelin' awfully physical
right now."
I talked to Dan/Dennis/awesome NF aussie dude, and decided (dumbly I might add ) but with a possible brain injury/ shock.. and I'M STUBBORN. Hindsight, I would have stopped... but I thought maybe i could run it out. :P Did I say I'm stubborn?? The problem is, the next aid station is 7 miles away@!@@!!! I was doing semi-good holding 11-12 min mile pace on the fire road. My foot was tender, and then about 3 miles into it, really sharp shooting pain starting at my foot and all the way up my tendon, leg. To make things worse, I started throwing up. Didn't even slow me down. All I could think about, was making the next cut off time and never giving up. I threw up 6 times, and then started hallucination rats of all things. What happened to the big fluffly Ironman bunny?? I much prefer the bunny who cusses versus RATS WHO ARE MEAN. I had lots of conversation with these mean things. They told me I sucked, wouldn't finish, wouldn't ever finish a 50 miler because I suck. I told them to shut up and stop being so mean or I'll feed them to my big kitty cats, and they said that my cats couldn't eat them because they suck like their momma. Didn't occur to me until later, hours later, that maybe I did hit my head... vomiting, hallucinating, head hurting. duh... at some point I miss a turn probably cause I was busy talking to rats, and these 2 dudes in front of me who also missed it. Ended going 1 mile or so out of the way. Guess I needed a bigger challenge ???? Cause when I saw the sign I missed, I must have been out of my mind. :P
anyhoo... I'm hobbling along, now with rats and annoying REAL bugs who decide to try and eat my face off. Hoping I can even get to the aid station. One guy tells me we have to climb this huge ridge called Breakneck Ridge... ( fabulous ) and then even worse.. climb down!! I have no stability in my ankle and it hurts like bloody hell .. HOW AM I GOING TO GET DOWN?????????????????? Then what seems like forever, I see someone walking towards me, and guess who it is??????????????????? DAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please make him be real! PLEASE! and he was! unless I came home with a doppleganger... haha YAY! He had to help me down this frickin steep thing because otherwise i would have superman'd it down... and it didn't look nice to slide down on my bum either. YAY! The aid station!!!!!!!!!!! yay! I managed to make it to mile 30 before giving in. Could I have continued on? maybe, but doing permanent damage and possibly preventing me from running for 1 year + if I completely tear the tendon. And at that rate, I would need a miracle to make it to the second hard cut off at mile 34. I COULD BARELY WALK let alone run. SIGH. I tried really hard to "stand up to reality and DENY IT". I begged, pleaded, YOU DON'T EXIST, YOU DON'T EXIST. But unfortunetly, my reality/injury did exist unlike the rats.
I hate DNFing, I HATE IT. I feel like a quitter. I feel I didn't try hard enough, that I wasn't strong enough. I don't like to admit that I am not a "normal girl", that I have EM that makes it hard enough to even run let alone fall off a cliff and still keep going. I HATE EXCUSES. But, I am smart enough to know and to listen to my body. Run through pain not injury. So I live to hopefully run again someday. Hopefully, sooner than later. I will do a 50 miler again. I WILL NOT SURRENDER. It took me twice to finish an Ironman. I never do anything the easy way, I always have to push through multiple obstacles, but I think that is what makes the "victory" sweeter. SO, when I am able to finish that 50 miler, its going to feel so good! and hopefully, what I learned today, will help me improve.
AND MAYBE NEXT TIME I FALL OFF A CLIFF, I will make sure to land on those bloody rats!
"Far away, there in the sunshine, are my highest aspirations. I may
not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in
them, and try to follow where they may lead."
Today, I attempted to race the North Face Endurance Challenge Bear Mountain 50 miler. I was doing good until I fell off a cliff. Yes a rock cliff, at least 20-25 feet. They say when falling you see your life flash before your eyes... I saw no such thing. Maybe because I didn't fall very far? haha.. Although, I remember thinking: this is it. I landed on my left foot on a rock and then fell into a bush. I lay there for what seemed like an eternity. Was I dead? Was I paralyzed? I just lay there not moving, not able to call out for help.. I remember thinking this is nice. Floating there, not feeling anything. I might have passed out, I have no idea? I think I must have hit my head.. see later. Then all of a sudden I heard this voice, my voice? who knows? The voice said very loudly: GET UP! GET UP NOW! so i managed to pull myself to my feet. I had a few cuts on my left leg, but the rain managed to wash the blood off. My foot though... my injured foot.. the poor foot that I tore the tendon in February that threatened this race in the first place, OW. I was doing so well too! So how did this happen?
I started off the run in the dark at 5:15 am. I have no night vision whatsoever. The optoneurologist from Mayo said that because of Erythromelalgia, my blood vessels that don't dilate/constrict properly/adjust to change makes in really hard for me to see at night with bright lights shining in my eyes.. My eyes just can't adjust. I'm running along with my head lamp, praying that i don't fall. I'm holding a decent pace for me. My coach told me to start off slow and then go slower... Sometimes, its embarrasing. I AM SLOW. I don't think someone with EM is supposed to run. Hell, they said I couldn't walk... but no means yes to me. I am determined to run, whatever it takes. But, I need to be more accepting with myself. I may be slow, but I try as hard as I can and that is all that matters. So, I'm running along at 11-12 min mile pace... pretty good for trail at Bear mtn. I hit the first aid station at mile 4 ish at around 48 minutes. Good . I was a right on pace. They give you 14 hours to finish, and I know I slow down a lot, so I wanted to run the first half in 6 hours to give me plenty of time to slow down, or hit the really hard technical bits. At mile 5 ish, I fell on my left leg. Great! had a small cut on my left knee that was bleeding, but I felt a twinge in my injured foot. Who knows if this had a helping hand for the big fall/injury? Then I fall again, and again. Humpf. I ended up falling 4 times before mile 16. Guess it just wasn't my day???? I'm still holding good pace. Run run run. Then it starts to rain....
Somewhere around mile 17-18, It started raining cats and dogs... monsooning on me right when I was climbing these huge rocks/cliffs/whatever you call them. Most of the time, I LOVE running on these huge rocks because they have such great grip... much better than stupid leaves. EXCEPT FOR WHEN ITS POURING! in combination with some huge wind gusts, down I go. I felt like humpty dumpty. I never recovered from this fall. Unfortunetly, there was no one around, no one to see me fall, and no way for them to help. Thank goodness, I could walk. So I stumble along, crying, trying to make it to mile 20.7 aid station. I kept going and going and going... mile 21, where is the aid station? Mile 22... wtf? BLEEP BLEEP (*_&(*^*)&$&%#^@@@@@@@!!!!im looking at my watch and all of sudden i'm approaching the cut off time ? how long was I out/laying there? I was on track to hit mile 20.7 at 5 hours.. and now it is 540? FINALLY, AND I MEAN BLOODY H-LL.. i see the parking lot, I see Dan, my coach Dennis, and Susie. I'm crying and hobbling, wondering.. can I go on?
"You hear about how runnin' ultras is all mental; well, I sure wish
it'd hurry up and get mental, 'cause it's feelin' awfully physical
right now."
I talked to Dan/Dennis/awesome NF aussie dude, and decided (dumbly I might add ) but with a possible brain injury/ shock.. and I'M STUBBORN. Hindsight, I would have stopped... but I thought maybe i could run it out. :P Did I say I'm stubborn?? The problem is, the next aid station is 7 miles away@!@@!!! I was doing semi-good holding 11-12 min mile pace on the fire road. My foot was tender, and then about 3 miles into it, really sharp shooting pain starting at my foot and all the way up my tendon, leg. To make things worse, I started throwing up. Didn't even slow me down. All I could think about, was making the next cut off time and never giving up. I threw up 6 times, and then started hallucination rats of all things. What happened to the big fluffly Ironman bunny?? I much prefer the bunny who cusses versus RATS WHO ARE MEAN. I had lots of conversation with these mean things. They told me I sucked, wouldn't finish, wouldn't ever finish a 50 miler because I suck. I told them to shut up and stop being so mean or I'll feed them to my big kitty cats, and they said that my cats couldn't eat them because they suck like their momma. Didn't occur to me until later, hours later, that maybe I did hit my head... vomiting, hallucinating, head hurting. duh... at some point I miss a turn probably cause I was busy talking to rats, and these 2 dudes in front of me who also missed it. Ended going 1 mile or so out of the way. Guess I needed a bigger challenge ???? Cause when I saw the sign I missed, I must have been out of my mind. :P
anyhoo... I'm hobbling along, now with rats and annoying REAL bugs who decide to try and eat my face off. Hoping I can even get to the aid station. One guy tells me we have to climb this huge ridge called Breakneck Ridge... ( fabulous ) and then even worse.. climb down!! I have no stability in my ankle and it hurts like bloody hell .. HOW AM I GOING TO GET DOWN?????????????????? Then what seems like forever, I see someone walking towards me, and guess who it is??????????????????? DAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please make him be real! PLEASE! and he was! unless I came home with a doppleganger... haha YAY! He had to help me down this frickin steep thing because otherwise i would have superman'd it down... and it didn't look nice to slide down on my bum either. YAY! The aid station!!!!!!!!!!! yay! I managed to make it to mile 30 before giving in. Could I have continued on? maybe, but doing permanent damage and possibly preventing me from running for 1 year + if I completely tear the tendon. And at that rate, I would need a miracle to make it to the second hard cut off at mile 34. I COULD BARELY WALK let alone run. SIGH. I tried really hard to "stand up to reality and DENY IT". I begged, pleaded, YOU DON'T EXIST, YOU DON'T EXIST. But unfortunetly, my reality/injury did exist unlike the rats.
I hate DNFing, I HATE IT. I feel like a quitter. I feel I didn't try hard enough, that I wasn't strong enough. I don't like to admit that I am not a "normal girl", that I have EM that makes it hard enough to even run let alone fall off a cliff and still keep going. I HATE EXCUSES. But, I am smart enough to know and to listen to my body. Run through pain not injury. So I live to hopefully run again someday. Hopefully, sooner than later. I will do a 50 miler again. I WILL NOT SURRENDER. It took me twice to finish an Ironman. I never do anything the easy way, I always have to push through multiple obstacles, but I think that is what makes the "victory" sweeter. SO, when I am able to finish that 50 miler, its going to feel so good! and hopefully, what I learned today, will help me improve.
AND MAYBE NEXT TIME I FALL OFF A CLIFF, I will make sure to land on those bloody rats!
"Far away, there in the sunshine, are my highest aspirations. I may
not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in
them, and try to follow where they may lead."
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