Where are your feet??

"Endurance training is exactly like turning a Styrofoam cup inside out. So long as you take it slowly you'll be able to do it. Try to rush things and "rip"....you'll tear the cup. You are the cup."

On my last snowy run, I injured myself. The doctor doesn't know if it was 1 ankle twist, or the cumulation of snowy trail run in shoes and yak trax, but I partially torn the Perroneal Tendon in my left foot. I tried running the Wednesday after my birthday, but the pain was too much.

I went to the first podiatrist who gave me xrays and some unwanted advice. She said that I horribly abuse my feet. She lectured me of the dangers of wearing flip flops and how it causes bunions and have no support. She yelled at me for not slathering my feet in lotion and wearing socks overnight to keep them soft. She stared at the horrible blisters all over my feet, and the multiple bruises/blood under my toenails and the eventual loss of several nails. She went on and on about the "perfect foot" and how I need to wear socks and lace up shoes at all times, orthodicts, etc etc. She finally said that I should have listened to the doctor in the first place , when he said I would be in a wheelchair and never run again. ?? She asked me why I run ? and why I didn't listen to the doctor and how doctors know best. I told her that Doctors don't know "me" and how much determination and inner strength it took me just to be able to run and I thought of this quote and smiled at her.

"People ask why I run. I say, If you have to ask, you will never understand. It is something only those select few know. Those who put themselves through pain, but know, deep down, how good it really feels. "

I looked down at my feet in an outrage. THOSE ARE MY FEET! MY EM FEET! I am proud of my feet... they have been through a lot. They have been severely burning for 6 years, swelled up 4 times their size, and yet through all that EM pain, they have not only survived, but thrived. How dare you lecture me on feet!!!! especially when you have no idea what EM is. I wear flip flops out of necessity, I can't slather them in lotion and put socks on them, and I sure as hell cant confine them in the heat in socks and shoes all the time!! I felt like a victim needed to be heard. I may never have "perfect feet", I may lose some toe nails, and have swollen feet with bruised nails, but they are IRONMAN FEET. My feet have taken me to fulfilling my dreams, and my feet are strong. I huffed and I puffed and I marched out of that office with my limp and a soft cast that I knew i couldnt keep on any longer and a moon boot. I got home and cried. How do you have the right to stomp on my dreams? I have done the best I could with the crap given to me. I'm sorry but since having EM, I have not been concerned about the damage done by wearing sandals year round. I have not been concerned with striving for the perfect foot. What kind of life would that be? She must have a very boring life. I just couldn't believe she would tell me to stay in a wheelchair.?? its not like my injury was so severe that I couldnt run/walk again....and even if it was, I would try anyway. So I listened to the important small bit and decided to get a 2nd opinion...this time from a doc that actually runs . :)

The second doctor I went to was thankfully, drastically different. He too didn't know about EM, but he was fascinated by it and told me he would research it before my next visit. He said I was an ENIGMA.... haha. He gave me an ultrasound and examined my feet. He pushed and prodded and pulled and none of it hurt? He was suprised when he looked at the ultrasound and saw a tear in my tendon. He pushed/pulled at my foot to see if it hurt like most patients with that injury and it still didnt. Once again, the EM pain is too strong for me to feel the smaller pain of a torn tendon. The only time it really hurts was full bodyweight. He actually listened to me and didnt put me in a cast. :P I ordered this really cool ankle brace that you can run in. :P He told me no running/weight bearing activity for 2 weeks. I needed to rest it and no physical therapy either. He said that because I can't feel when I'm hurting my tendon so while it is torn, REST REST REST. He did say I could bike, swim, and water run as long as I could stand it... Funny because you can't tell an Ironwoman like me I can bike/swim/water run as much as I want to.... He probably should have given me a limit... wink wink. Anyhoo, I was upset about no running. I tried to remember when I couldnt run and the 4 years I dreamed of running. Its only another 2 weeks... sigh. I wondered how much running fitness I will lose, and I wondered about the 50 mile race I have planned and if I could still do it. I wondered where I went wrong...The doctor said to me that he is the last person who will tell me I can't run. He used to run until he blew out his knee so he knows what it is like. He says " You live to run another day" LOVE IT!!! finally a doc that gets it.

"There is no failure, only feedback."

The first week it hurt to walk even with the brace...partly because my left toe was killing me!! and for some reason my uninjured right foot was in a horrible flare all week......the weather? I am just thankful for the bike trainer Dan bought for me! It didnt hurt at all to ride my bike indoors with a brace. So I pedaled and pedaled for miles. As good as it felt to still be able to bike... indoor biking isnt the same. But, luckily there was a huge snow storm so I didn't miss being outside. :) and Barbara, miracle worker, came to see me and give me a lymphatic drainage massage. Suprisingly my feet healed and my infected/burned toe healed so I didnt lose it!! yay! I did lose the 2 nails, but that doesn't really bother me... maybe now I am anti perfect foot anyway? I'm such a rebel!! what do they say?

"If you haven't lost any toe nails, then you haven't run long enough?" *giggle* I've been told that some ultrarunners permanently remove their toes, but I'm not that crazy... ouch. I started to think about the approach I took to trail running... Pedal to the Metal, all out approach, not thinking about what could go wrong, and if I could get hurt. In mountain biking, I've learned that the slower you go, the more likely you are to fall... so maybe taking that approach with trail running was wrong?? haha... just hurled myself along the trail/snow...trying to keep up, having fun...and twisting my ankle so many times I lost count. and now being injured I have to start from the beginning again and figure out what I need to do differently this time around.

"Sometimes when you walk through a maze you have to go back to where you started to get to where you want to go."

So basically, I've learned I have no idea where my feet are. May sound strange, but its the truth. The "good" doc said I have absolutely no proprioception whatsoever. He did some tests and it was pathetic really. I knew this already from training with the North Face group when we close our eyes and do drills and I couldn't do it. He and I suspect its because of EM> my nerves have been on fire and in such pain for so many years now that I can't feel when I twist my ankle or feel when I hurt it. AND I have no idea when I'm putting my feet in a dangerous position on the trail because I spend so much time, "ignoring"/not listening to pain in my feet. Sigh... once again , stupid EM pain, and my strength in handling it, HAS HURT ME. How did it get to this? So far, EM pain has almost killed me for not feeling a ruptured appendix, not feeling a massive infection in my tooth leading to sepsis, not feeling a dislocated shoulder/elbow, and not feeling burns, and tears in tendons, and kidney infections. Makes me wonder, what else have I not felt????????????? Would I even feel it if my head was screwed on backwards???? How do I stop this? I've gotten good at running/biking/swimming with extreme pain. How do I go back to feeling every little baby pain. Is it even possible? or is it permanent nerve pain? Basically I have to completely start over and try to feel every senstion, including the extreme EM pain again. SIGH. Not sure I want to.

"The path to our destination is not always a straight one. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn't matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark in the first place. "

On a strange note: I have now developed Raynaud's Phenomenon in my left foot. Maybe the injury has caused it temporarily? or permanently? The doctor said my left foot was in a complete vasoconstriction and may have helped cause the toe problems because of frost bite. WTF???????? I just keep getting weirder and weirder. He says for now, I have to keep my left foot warm and wear socks and boots in freezing weather.. ??? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT????? when my right foot still has EM and can't tolerate... the shoe/sandal situation baffles me. Whatever the reason, Raynauds is quite nice compared to EM. I don't feel the burning horrible searing pain, it turns white instead of red and doesnt swell up at all. Supposedly, Raynauds patients feel a cold prickly pain sensation but I dont feel it. Maybe I should injure my other foot????? no seriously. WHen I told the doctor that he looked at me like I was insane. But EM patients know exactly what I am talking about. I read in the forums all the time how EM people are desperate enough to try ANYTHING to get rid of EM. Some EM people get EM from injuries and is not genetic and they want to try reinjuring themselves to make it go away. One of the first known case of EM asked for both leg amputations and got it done thinking it would help him but of course it didnt. Pain will make people do funny things. So don't judge me when I joke that I should injure my other foot. You really have no idea unless you have EM. I wonder if it is just temporary? and why my right foot has gone crazy with EM lately. I look strange with 1 snow white foot and 1 freakish burning red foot. I also wonder why I didnt feel my right toe nail pain, and yet I felt the left toe pain like crazy. ? Maybe I'll figure out this EM thing someday. Maybe I will finally know the reason I came down with EM and how to trick it back into constriction? Maybe I will finally find the inbetween and get back to normal. My Raynauds foot feels the most "normal" it has felt in a long time... not to diminish Raynauds pain, but for me, I'll take it anyday...just wish it would be balanced.

So here I go again... doing my proprioception drills, trying to come aware of my feet and what is good for them and what is bad. This time I will be better than before, prepared, humbled, ready to be taught. The doc said I could run on last Wednesday, and I did... AND IT WAS AWESOME. On Friday, it was a miserable rainy day and I ran... and LOVED IT. And next week I can start trail running again. This may have slowed me down, but it can never stop me. NEVER STOP ME. So to all the EM, Raynauds, and Pain disorder people: lets stand up to the naysayers, to the ones who try and stop us, and the ones that call us freaks, to the ones that tell us to give it up and stay in a wheelchair. We need to stand up to the Doctors that think they have the right to take our hope away. They can try but they will not trample, we are strong, we will never give up. We will not let doctors tell us what we can't or cannot do based on their negatively and something they don't understand. I am the only one that can tell myself I can't do something, and I don't have to listen.

HAPPY TRAILS!

"I don't run away from a challenge because I am afraid. I run toward it because the only way to escape fear is to trample it beneath my feet."